Where: 351 Queensberry St North Melbourne

When: Tues, Weds Dinner, Thurs-Sun Lunch and dinner

Contact: (03) 9329 3353

Vego: Mildly Friendly :/

Payment: CC and EFTPOS

The peeps at The Crimean in West Melbourne don’t want to put a label on their cuisine but the general consensus is that it is of Eastern European influence. To me, it tasted like stuff my Slovakian mother makes, with lots of guts and artistic flair. Like Polish Pub goes Chef Hat…or something. The prices lie somewhere in-between these two extremes with mains around $25, more if you order big ticket items like the Bigos Polish Hunter Casserole ($32). The drink list is very exciting with plenty of imported options such as the intriguing Birch-infused vodka, cos you’re not a man if your vodka hasn’t got bits of tree in it. Speaking of, The Crimean is a very masculine sort of place; it’s dark, it’s woody and it’s meaty. Vegetarians are offered one option per menu section for a fleshless feed with a little more range in the entrees.

The service at The Crimean is, as you would expect; not at all pompous. Yet the professional details such as the borscht shot on arrival and the warm good-quality bread, butter and sea salt make you feel a bit spoilt. Even in the bright early evening when we arrived, it was seductively dark inside. The coffee-coloured light shades threw a soft light over the comfortable wooden furniture, creating an intimate ambiance.

Cherry Martini ($16)

Feeling relaxed, I ordered a cherry martini. With real morello cherries on the toothpick and fumes which could burn your nose hair off, it wasn’t as nearly as ditzy as it sounded. Once sufficiently tipsy we ordered the pork and beef pelmeni dumplings, which everyone should try because they’re fantastic. Similar in dough to Asian dumplings, these babies have thicker skin and tastier filling. Best of all they come drizzled in a heavenly sauce of paprika butter, horseradish and sour cream. Also from the Dumplings Menu we ordered the Baked duck and prude piegrogi ($10). This time with a pastry-bun shell, these dumplings were rich and gamey but I was unable to recognise much of the prune in them.

 Beef and pork pelmeni, sour cream, paprika butter, horseradish ($11)

To balance things out we ordered the Tomato Salad with chive quark and crisp rye bread ($12). You’ll be glad to know that this isn’t a cold, sloppy, watery mess of a salad with bits of bread in it. Well it is and it isn’t. The quark (A Russian version of cottage cheese) actually tasted of lemon rather than chive which gave it an amazing dessert feel, although not at all in a bad way. The softness of the cool cheese and tomato balanced perfectly with the course rye crisps.

Just as successful was the Salad Olivier, new season potatoes, apple, celery ($12) a classic creamy potato salad but with tangy blades of green apple.

Tomato salad, chive quark, crisp rye bread ($12)

To finish off the feast we shared a main, The Bigos ($32) , a Polish Hunter Casserole which boasted pork sausage, smoked pork belly, braised pork neck, juniper and sauerkraut. While it was well-cooked and of good quality, it was my least favourite part of our order. It was just too bland, and the price tag didn’t help either. Perhaps if the sauerkraut was zingier, it would’ve been quite good.

Overall I was very impressed with the exciting dishes The Crimean had on offer and would return in a heartbeat. Dumplings, martinis and salads are the only food groups for me.

Salad Olivier, new season potatoes, apple, celery ($12)

Food: 4/5

Service: 5/5

Ambiance: 5/5

Where: L1, 243 Swanston St Melbourne

When: Mon,Tues 11am-12am, Weds, Thurs 11am-3am, Fri 11am-6am, Sat 1pm- 6am, Sun 6am-1am

Contact: (03) 9663 2916

Vego :)

Payment: Cash and CC accepted

If you’re from Melbourne you no doubt have been to or at least heard of The Lounge. For over 20 years this venue has been feeding, watering and boogying the locals. It interests me that this iconic venue isn’t in fact, really crap by now. Their capacity to reinvent themselves by showcasing local artwork, music and by tweaking their menu often enough has kept The Lounge from melting away when the 90’s did. Vibe-wise, they manage to keep Average Joe happy with their relaxed balcony, tap beer and pub-meal options while the more artistic-minded punter can enjoy the showcased work and ever-changing ceiling features (currently upside-down, plastic, potted plants). Foodies can order beyond the realm of the steak and parma and vegetarians will never go hungry here.

We rocked up for after work drinkies and food, and sat ourselves out on the balcony which now sports thick glass windows which can be lowered or lifted depending how much breeze you like in your hair. The large tables and generous floor space are great for large groups. It is unfortunate that smokers dominate the balcony, which detracts from any amount of fresh air you may have had the opportunity to inhale while out there. If you can ignore this it is nice to sit and watch Melbourne light up as Friday night begins.

Cajun Chicken Burger ($13.00)

We ordered the nachos ($13.50), a plate of dips ($12) and the Cajun chicken burger ($13). In what I can only assume was an unintended mishap, the burger arrived an hour after first ordered, long after the other meals were eaten. Timing aside, the burger was good; the lemony, spiced fillet was juicy and the bread wasn’t dry and dusty like so many pub burgers can be. The pink mayonnaise or “Southwest Sauce” was a little weird, probably because it was sweet. They could do better by using the aioli usually served with their fries instead. The smoky flavours of the char-grilled bun and fillet however, brought the whole thing home nicely, tasty good.

Dips ($12)

The nachos were a fantastic array of colour all in a comforting gooey pile. All the best comfort food comes as a pile doesn’t it? The only questionable factor was the $13 price tag, at fifty cents more than the burger with chips I had to wonder how even their pricing was. Also why was the burger listed under “Light Meals”? It wasn’t really smaller than the “main meals”. The dips, also rather expensive at $12 were alright. While the babaganoush was delightfully garlicy and sloppy the hummus was a bland paste, stiff enough to snap the dukkah crisp I was attempting to scoop it with. The pieces of grilled bread were herbed and salted nicely.

Nachos ($13.50)

I’ll probably always go to The Lounge because I find it to be consistently acceptable; the food, the staff and the music create a decent socialising spot where your attention is focused on the person you’re talking to because you have the space to relax, and the time to sit there as long as you like. Because you’re not going to be hurried out because there’s a line of people waiting for your table, nor are you going to cop a lecture from a waiter about where your steak used to frolic and which organic greenery it munched on before it was cooked for you. The Lounge is accessible, unpretentious and fuss free. 

Food: 2.5/5

Service: 3.5/5

Ambiance: 4/5

Where: 267 Little Lonsdale St, Melbourne

When: Mon 9am-8pm, Tues-Weds 9am-Late, Thur-Sat 9am-3am Sun 9am-11pm

Contact: (03) 9663 1700

Dine in/Take-away

Veg & Vegan :)

So the last time I went to Rue Bebelons’ the guy who served me tried to charge me more for a cappuccino than for a latte, because you know, “cappuccinos are harder to make”. I was quite able to talk myself out of paying the “cappuccino tax” but nevertheless I didn’t feel overly compelled to return. Fortunately there’s been a change in management, or so I’ve heard. And now the great service is enough of a reason on its own to return to the Bebelons’.

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If Rue Bebelons’ had shtick it would probably be something like ‘eclectic, eccentric, jazz/soul/funk, cult hide-out’. I don’t know if you can have “cult cafes” but it certainly feels like one to me. What strikes me about it is how completely non-conventional it is, but at the same time they’re in no way subscribing to any sort of pretentious sub-culture. It’s not a “hipster” place; you don’t sit on milk crates and listen to music that was released in the last five minutes while sipping on an $8 cold drip coffee. They play crazy sort of music, in a crazy sort of way (possibly too loud to have a lunch-time conversation over) and their coffee is three bucks. Speaking of, my cappuccino was pretty good with a slightly bitter smoked flavour, its luke-warmness my only gripe.

Pastrami baguette ($6)

So what was for lunch? Well it’s a very easy choice so happens, with only baguettes and soup on the menu. All baguettes come with avocado, cheese, cucumber, tomato, beetroot, lettuce and mayonnaise but you choose the main filler (either pastrami, salami or more salad). At just $6 regular size or $8 large they’re a steal and probably enough to convince you to never make your own lunch again. I had the pastrami and would most likely come back for another considering the excellent value for money, but there isn’t a lot to say about it. They’re literally as if you’d walked down to the supermarket, and put it together yourself (as the bread and meat aren’t anything special) but could you really be bothered doing that? No, didn’t think so. More impressive but equally well priced is the cake; I had the flourless orange toffee cake ($3.50). It had a friendly homemade feel and a pulpy granulated texture with a chewy toffee splash on top. Comforting, juicy, soft, which is all you need in a cake really.

Flourless orange cake and toffee cake ($3.50)

I’m also quite excited to try the $4 pizzas which start from 4pm, perfect to fuel a night out on. You actually really could stay at Rue Bebelons’ all night; they move from café to bar surely and steadily over the afternoon. You could come for a baguette and before you know it be chuzzling sangria at four in the afternoon. Sounds fun to me, which is just the vibe I get from the guys who work there; they genuinely seem like they’re enjoy being there. Good vibes for the staff means good vibes for everyone else, I’ll be back.

Food: 3/5

Service: 5/5

Ambiance: 3.5/5

Where: 285 Brunswick St, Fitzroy

Contact: (03) 9416 2238

When: Sun- Tues, Midday-Midnight and Weds-Sat Midday-1pm

Dine-in

Licensed

Payment: Mastercard, EFTPOS

Vego :)

So primarily Naked for Satan is a bar, it’s just they have been doing little snackables called ‘pintxos’ which can turn into a full meal if you eat enough of them. A pintxos constitutes a little piece of bruscetta-sized bread with an imaginative fancy-pants topping. The pintxos are displayed as a buffet along an open glass counter at the bar. Each little bread slice has a toothpick affixing its extravagant topping, you are supposed to keep the toothpicks, storing them in the plastic shot glasses at your table and bring them to the bar for payment when you’re finished. Normally the toothpicks correspond to $2 in payment but lunchtime (12-4pm) they’re 75% off at just 50c. At a price like that, you needn’t be hiding your toothpicks in your handbag come pay-time. Not that you would anyway…

Speaking of ‘honesty system’ Naked for Satan is clearly a bit uppity about being taken advantage of. On each table is a laminated notice with the title “How long will the 50c pintxos special last?” Although instead of answering this question there follows a lengthy passive-aggressive rant along the lines of “don’t take advantage of our cheap food by not spending any money on drinks or we’ll stop it all because you’ll have ruined it for everyone”.  After reading this notice two or three times and noticing the sign on the wall which read “All pintxos $2” I was befuddled. It was only when I received the bill ($5 for two people) that I realised we were still in special town. Just make sure you hurry in, before their resentment bubbles over and they cut the special.

So what’s the food like? Well although the hot options were being regularly replaced by wait staff the cold vego ones seemed to be sitting out for some time. I noticed this because the slices of tomato had that wrinkly look about them. Most of the pintxos were pretty decent though, with interesting additions like green-pea spread which looked like radioactive waste but tasted alright. I noticed a couple at the next table grimacing as they tasted something they clearly didn’t enjoy, dining partner and I also had a similar experience but that’s the fun of it really. So order different things to your companions and recommend your favourites. It’s also worthwhile waiting at your table for waiters to walk around with hot additions straight from the kitchen, they’re usually different from what you would have found at the buffet. The most notable hot pintxos was a crumbed and fried morsel (shaped like a tiny sausage) with a melty cheese and chorizo interior. It was salty, creamy and decadent.                                                                                                                                                                                           

In terms of atmosphere Naked for Satan is going for a cheeky approach; with soft-porn retro photography collaged all over their menus you won’t know where to look. It feels a little tacky to me and quite in your face when you’re stuffing your face with pintxos. It’s really more off-putting than risqué, and seems at odds with the lunch crowd; mainly mum’s, kids and retired folk.  Perhaps the harsh light of day didn’t really do this bar any favours and would be better suited to a boozy night where you could sample all the exciting infused vodkas ($9) which are the specialty. Naked for Satan has a vibe similar to Bimbo Deluxe a few blocks down with the infused vodkas, naughty décor and unusual ceiling fixtures. Satan has copper pipes, valves and boilers everywhere, apparently original vodka distillers. Exacerbating this cacophony of bling are bizarre copper light/art fixtures. Clearly a love or hate situation, Naked for Satan’s décor will divide people. Looking up gave me a headache, I’m just here for the cheap food.

Food: 3/5

Service: 2/5

Ambience: 2/5

Location: 389-391 Brunswick St Fitzroy

Contact: (03) 9419 7411

Licensed

When: Weekends 9am-12pm, Tues-Sunday 12pm-10:30pm 

Dine in

Pricing: $25-35 for mains

CC, Cash, EFTPOS

Vego :)  (although only one veg main dish)

So what happens when gritty, hipster Brunswick street does fine dining? St Judes’ Cellars; all the attention to detail and quality you’d expect for an expensive night out minus the pretentiousness. That means that you can still expect to hear how your steak has been grain-fed for a hundred days before it was turned into your dinner but no one is going to put your napkin on your lap for you. This is good for me, I don’t like having my napkin done, it reminds me of that fetish people have where they like to dress up in nappies and be treated like babies. 

So enough about fetishes, you want to know about St Judes’ Cellars.  Some readers may remember that last year I stopped by for a pre-dinner drink, and as promised to myself have returned for dinner. I’d saved up some money because not only are the meals on the expensive side (by Lunchosaurus standards) but I really think that it is necessary to indulge in the exciting drinks menu. Cocktails available range from old glamour to ditsy and fruity, but don’t worry, nothing is going to come out with umbrellas and sparklers. I had a champagne cocktail with berries from the south of France, and while I’ll admit to not being able to distinguish between southern French berries and the local kind, it was extremely delicious. You can order various types of ciders, some served on ice and some which aren’t supposed to be. Refreshingly, the waiters are totally tongue-in-cheek about how pretentious these items really are so you can relax. 

Once you’ve ordered your drink you can keep looking at your menu, because it is also your placemat. Convenient for when you get too wasted to be able to ask for another menu. Not that you should be getting wasted really, the meals are much too small and intricate to shovel down in two inebriated gulps. We ordered a teensy entrée bruschetta special which was like no bruschetta I’ve ever experienced. It arrived looking like some sort of dessert; five golden bread cubes glistening with jewels of tomato. The traditional tomato-heavy bruscetta can be a bit tacky so it was nice to just have a flavour burst of extra virgin olive oil, tomato seeds and rock salt. Not bad for two dollars something.

Bruschetta $2 something

It wasn’t long till our “mains” arrived, and I place this term in inverted commas because they are really entrees. We ordered from the ‘Lighter Dishes’ section because we liked the options better, but we needed a couple of sides to make a meal of everything. I ate the ‘Gnocchi Romano with charred leeks and Sovrano cheese ($12) and the broccoli Romesco ($5) on the side. It may interest you know that the gnocchi isn’t the usual small, fluffy kind. On your plate you’ll find two large spongy discs which you should eat slowly. I must admit they weren’t as amazing as they looked, a little bland and not bouncy enough for me. The leeks added a mild base of sweet onion flavours, nothing very loud. The broccoli was cooked perfectly so it glowed vivid green. It was served with a delicious tomato sauce, like a pesto passata or something. The potatoes with Raclette cheese ($5) were amazing, resulting in a new favourite cheese for Lunchosaurus. 

Broccoli Romesco $5

For dessert I didn’t feel much like anything on the menu and was too tipsy to be bothered looking for the cake display, what can I say, I tried. St Judes’ was definitely an enjoyable experience, thanks to the calm smoothness of the long room and homely staff as well as the food. I was delighted to find that on Tuesdays and Wednesdays there is a $10 meal special from a choice of three meals. Vegetarians would be wise to check if all of the options have meat. Otherwise everyone should get down to St Judes’ Cellars, and take a date, they’ll be impressed and want lots of babies with you.

Gnocchi Romano $12

Food: 4/5

Service: 5/5

Ambience: 5/5

Location: 212 Little Collins Street Melbourne

Contact: 9654 2471

Dine in

Vego :)

Hours: Mon-Sat 7am-3am and Sun 9am-1pm

CCs accepted 

Licensed

Tapas Bars are very in right now in Melbourne but don’t feel as though you need to squeeze into somewhere so crowded that you can’t muster the elbow-room to work your cutlery. The Hairy Canary isn’t much bigger than a two-car garage but it owns it’s space so well that you’d never feel cramped. On a Saturday night at 7pm there were a healthy number of people inside but it was still easy to get a table. It was nice to see that the staff were friendly and so efficient that the place kept a buzzing momentum that made you feel well-looked after. Lighting was warmly dimmed but not so pretentiously dark that you’re about to tuck into your friend’s unsuspecting left hand. When summer rolls around it’d be useful to know that the restaurant’s entire front window opens like an awning over Little Collins Street and lets the breeze waft in.

There was an extensive drink list but it might be worth mentioning that vodka starts at $9, so choose wisely. The cocktails were adventurous; anything from gorgeous champagne with flecks of Chambord jelly (Jelly Royale) to the Bloody Mary with bacon (Meat Mary). I must say I opted for the safer Jelly Royale, but I’m not entirely adverse to returning for Meat Mary over Breakfast sometime. That’s right, The Canary does breakfast and the prices looked pretty reasonable too. The tapas is displayed first in the menu but there are full-sized dishes available too if you’re really not a sharer. Once we had settled nicely into our drinks our first tapas arrived; piping hot long slices of chorizo with a lemon for drizzling. Now, as the girlfriend of a serious Chorizo-fiend, I taste a lot of the stuff, but this baby just blew my mind. There were no chewy fat pockets or gristle, just taste-bud-tingling flavour nirvana. The hot, salty, but complicated notes of the Chorizo just sang under the sharpness of the lemon juice. Next up was sourdough bread which arrived with black char grilled lines and a smoky flavour to match. It arrived on a large plate nuzzled into a generous serve of tomato, onion and garlic salsa.

The orders kept arriving in a suitably staggered fashion, with saganaki with lemon served next. This dish was delicious and delivered exactly what you would expect, so no innovations but nicely done. Finally we were served chicken meatballs with coriander, which fell a bit flat after the spectacular array of food just eaten. The chicken was comparatively bland and overwhelmed by the coriander dressing, but it was definitely not bad, perhaps it just needed more salt.

What makes The Hairy Canary so successful is that you don’t feel like you’re buying into a fad by being there, the people are genuine, the serves generous, and the quality of everything from the champagne to the cheese is excellent. Best of all the prices aren’t silly, so you don‘t feel like a sucker when you leave. This place has been around for a while and although it isn’t the hot new kid on the block anymore, it has stood the test of time and will no doubt survive the tapas wave of the noughties to serve long into the future.

Food: 4.5/5

Service: 5/5

Ambience: 5/5

Location: 500 Bourke St Melbourne

(Entrance via Little Bourke St)

Contact: (03) 9663 3038 Bookings are highly recommended

Dine-in

Vego :(

CC & EFTPOS

Hours: Mon-Fri 12pm-late, Sat 5pm-late

Licensed

Movida has become quite the Melbourne institution, and if you’ve ever tried to get a table at Movida or Movida Next Door you’ll know it sure ain’t easy. I guess all the scrambling over a place to sit has convinced the Movidian Empire that it’s time to expand, so they’ve whipped up the cool new Movida Aqui. Hidden in the business district of town it’s snuggled between Bourke and Little Bourke Streets and elevated quite high (probably not wheelchair accessible) so it peers into the surrounding office windows and has the Supreme Court dome at eye-level. The best way I would think to describe the interior would be ‘fine-dining grunge’ with a home-style Spanish touch. I guess that’s what happens when you take a big shiny room with smooth, new wooden furniture, chocolate leather and light it with milk crate lamps and fluorescent beams encased in long slices of coloured Perspex. Before you can wince at the thought of fluorescent lighting, it’s worth knowing that there is very little of it. In fact, it’s a very dark place, with only the bar and kitchen glowing brightly in the centre of the room. If you like to feel part of the action then you may want to ask for a table near the kitchen as it’s far livelier than the sombre spots tucked close to the windows. I liked being tucked away in the dark though, it was quiet and relaxing.

So once you have selected your table you’ll get a chance to interpret the menu, which may take you some time as it is mostly in Spanish. Fortunately the staff are very accommodating and are all too happy to explain everything. Being a tapas restaurant, the dishes are small and made to be shared. Don’t try and order separately because the meals come out as they’re ready, not all at once. The food does come out quickly though, and you already are provided with a large home-crafted-looking dinner plate either in a burnt orange or pea-green glaze. There is also a lengthy drinks list, with Sangria looking particularly attractive, but I was on a budget. If anyone would care to donate to the cause please let me know.

Now I’m a bit hazy on the details because it was so dark I put away my notepad, but the tapas range from about $4 to $25 and you can order a large dish for two (about $25 per person) such as the lamb ribs with wet rice which smelled incredible from the table next to us. If you do order one of these meals to share, you probably won’t need to order anything else but be prepared to wait around 45 minutes for it to arrive. Unfortunately I was much too hungry to wait for the slow cooked meal, so I went the other extreme with the cold wagyu beef which was seasoned with garlic and garnished with raisins and sweet and salty crackers. Sounds weird, tastes amazing I can assure you. A good value option (and there really aren’t many as far as Tapas goes) is the baked potato dish which is smothered in what I could only describe as a smoky bacon sauce, but which they called something much more classy and served with toothpicks, ooh. Names aside, these were delicious and just perfect on a freezing winter evening. Then there was the Chorizo dish which had three juicy sausages on a bed of warm, red beans. This wasn’t so great, it was very simple, encompassing only two flavours, despite interesting little lashings of chopped beetroot which appeared to be not much more than decorative.

Moving on to dessert is most exciting, although why they have so many icy options on the menu in winter is beyond me. My comfortably warm dining buddy ordered the coffee granita which arrived in a little glass topped with the most amazing looking pillow of cream. Upon stealing this however, I realised it was just unsweetened pure cream and not actually some kind of super cream concoction. The coffee granita delivered the expected punch of flavour and was most tasty.

I ordered the ganache which involved a cake-like round which when pierced with spoon, oozes a warm, bittersweet centre. Anise-flavoured ice-cream adds a subtle, spicy sweetness to the concentrated cocoa flavours. If this isn’t exciting enough, the ganache also come with three miniature chocolate nougat blocks, which melt in your mouth. I could not finish this dessert, which I regret each and every day. Movida ganache, if I could, I’d finish you right now.

Food: 4/5

Service: 5/5

Ambience: 4.5/5